When Your Idol Dies

I'm absolutely devastated right now.

I don't really have too many people I look up to outside of my own family. I look up to my mom, my dad, my grandma, my aunt in Germany and my aunt in Detroit. Although I am a big fan of people who have passed away (Michael Jackson) - it really wasn't someone I looked up to and wanted to be you know?

Today, the sole idol I have that isn't related to me died.

Anthony Bourdain.

Waking up to this news on Twitter this morning felt like a bad dream. How could someone I idolize so much take their own life? If Anthony is the epitome of what kind of success and lifestyle I want and it wasn't enough for him - what hope do I have?

You never know what kind of internal demons people are fighting within themselves. We saw it earlier this week with the passing of Kate Spade and today we are all feeling that sadness all over again. 

I've been an Anthony Bourdain fan for a very long time. As someone who writes, lives and breathes travel he was everything I aspire to be. He tells it like it is without giving a shit. He travels. He eats. He makes sarcastic comments about vegetarians and vegans. He gets paid to do all of this. Within it all, he also looked like he genuinely loved all the food he ate and people he met on his shows. Whether it was; A Cook's TourNo Reservations, The Layover or Parts Unknown. Didn't matter what show of his was on, I was watching attentively and just adding food and places to my bucket list, plotting on how I could become him someday. 

The reality has not set in that the Hong Kong episode of Parts Unknown I watched on Sunday was the final one I would watch with him gracing the world with his existence. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to hold it together when I see the next episode. Hell, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through this day focusing on being the best I can be if the person I dreamed about being is gone. 

Tragic. Truly tragic. I do hope he is at peace now and whatever was ailing him never goes after anyone else. I'm not really comfortable discussing mental health and depression and suicide because in my own selfishness I have a hard time understanding how someone I want to be didn't want to live anymore. I'll probably never understand. But this shit is very real and unfortunately very frequent. 

Rest in Peace to Anthony Bourdain, you and your shows meant the world to me and my life goals.

- Mirna